Your Daily Noose

Dan Rather, the household-name news anchor stepped down from his long tenure as the anchor for the CBS Evening News and has found something new. Rather claims that CBS was holding him back from any substantive work over the last year of his career, so the decision to resign was an easy one. Rather is quoted to desire more challenging and rewarding work now that he has resigned.

And now Rather has found the challenging work he desired with the MLB. He has signed a contract with the Atlanta Braves which sees him playing 4 years for a reported $18.7 million. The aging reporter is apparently a more-than-qualified shortstop whose quick footspeed and accurate throwing arm should really help the Braves reclaim the stranglehold on the baseball world that they held in years past. Rather has been seen at team practices with the Braves, competing fiercely with the younger players, attempting to prove his talent and worth with his new teammates. "They see me as an old fogey," Rather says, "but I'll show those young whippersnappers a thing or two about this sport. I've been playing since before most of these guys were born."

Rather's first game was Thursday, July 6 against Cincinnati in which he was the catalyst in a marvelous double play in the top of the eighth inning that helped Atlanta win 8-7. Rather's batting average so far, however, has been attrocious. He has posted a .017 batting average in two games so far. "I guess I need to hit the cages a little more." Rather admitted after his last game. I guess you're right, Dan.

Original Story Here

Posted by Sam at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments

The Straight of Malacca, just off the coast of Indonesia, has become a dangerous piece of water for freighter crews. Piracy is on the rise in the area, and several ships have been boarded and looted over the last few weeks. Fear among crewers has been growing and many captains have taken to steering clear of the straight, at the cost of time and fuel.

The courageous captain and crew of a Japanese freighter were unwilling to let fear of piracy stop them, however. They braved the Straight of Malacca, and when pirates attempted an attack, the crew put up a fight that halted the pirates in their tracks.

The duty officer noticed an unlit ship approaching from the rear and raised the alarm. The dedicated crew turned the freighter's powerful floodlights and fire hoses on the pirate crew, dazzling the scurvy dogs' eyes and soaking them to the bone with icy-cold water. Obviously overmatched, the pirates retreated, shouting obscenties and threats of gang-plank walking while stamping peg-legs in frustration and shaking hook-hands and rusty cutlasses in impotent rage.

This has been the sixth incident of pirate attack in the Straight of Malacca since April of 2006. The increased pirate activity has led the International Maritime Bureau to advise shipping companies to begin arming their vessels with sufficient weaponry to fend off pirate attack.

Greek shipping magnate, Niko Pompodorous says, "Of course we believe that the proper authorities are more than capable of handling the pirate problems. However, we cannot count on the authorities being on hand at every moment of every day. That is why I am outfitting all of my ships with sufficient pirate countermeasures." Pompodorous went on to describe a frightful array of pirate-repellant weaponry including, but not limited to: trained attack beavers to gnaw through wooden legs, powerful electromagnets to capture pirates by attracting the many and varied body piercings most are studded with, and packages of saltine crackers to placate vicious pirate parrots. Pompodorous believes his ships to be safe and has ordered captains not to avoid the Straight of Malacca, taking any and all pirates head-on in hopes that the boldness of his crews will break the resolve of pirate bands and force them to search for more constructive occupations.





















A dangerous attack beaver

Original Story Here

Posted by Sam at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments

NASA was forced to postpone the launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery again today as thunder storms and dangerous rain showers threatened the safety of the astronauts aboard the multi-billion dollar space vessel. After today's delay, the shuttle is now scheduled to launch on Tuesday, July 4. While Mission Commander Steve Lindsey reports that weather is indeed the sole factor in the launch delays, many experts have speculated that NASA may be delaying the launch at the behest of the United States government who would like to use the launch as a part of planned Independence Day activities. An unnamed White House official confirmed plans to stage a large family picnic at the Kennedy Space Center on the day of the launch. Reports of the planned menu including hotdogs, macaroni salad, and ice cold lemonade go unconfirmed.

During the day's festivities, families will be able to enjoy meeting the astronauts, local politicians, and Luny the Moon Rock who has served as NASA's official mascot ever since the Challenger explosion in 1986 forced NASA to create a family and safety-friendly face for the public. Those who remember Luny's famous "Always Buckle Up Before Blasting Off!" ad campaign of the early 1990's will get a chance to shake the lovable mascot's over-sized hand and get his autograph. In addition, the day's festivities will likely include live music, carnival games, and a bouncy castle. A warning to those wishing to make use of the bouncy castle: arrive early. Governor Bush's security detail is know to greatly enjoy bouncy castles and has been reported to monopolize the attractions at several public celebrations.

The day will end in a blaze of glory with a display of fireworks serving as the backdrop for the shuttle launch as darkness begins to fall. The display promises to be a fantastic spectacle, and reporters have been assurred by several key safety personnel that the Discovery has been gone over with a fine tooth-comb to ensure that the shuttle will not serve as a horrific grand finale.

"I know for a fact that we have that problem under control." says Rob Schleissinger, safety manager at NASA . "Let me assure you that the day will end in a glorious show of red, white, and blue, and not the horrified screams and gasps of onlookers as flaming shards of plastic and metal rain down from the sky."

Weather reports for Tuesday indicate a clearing of the bad weather that has so far hampered launch operations and promise a beautiful, sunny day that should contribute to a happy and eventful 4th of July celebration. After the shuttle launch, celebrations will likely last into the night as the astronauts deliver leftovers from the picnic to their international counterparts aboard the international space station.





























Artist's rendition of possible 4th of July Festivities

Original Story Here.

Posted by Sam at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Your Daily Noose will serve as a place where I put my own personal spin on what news I come across and find interesting enough to share. It is my hope to both enlighten and entertain.

Posted by Sam at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments